A little better today, physically.
Very depressed lately though.  Feelings of hopelessness, despair.
Suicidal ideations.
Woke up in the middle of the night, took several hours to get back to sleep.
Got Alex up for school, went back to bed.
Alex fell asleep on couch, missed the bus.  Had to take him to school.    His pants were filthy.  Didn't have time for him to change them.  Usual dirty looks from school nurse.
Feeling guilty about Vinnie.  He doesn't get enough attention from us lately.  Would like to bring him inside and let him be part of the family again, but he's getting to the point where he can't get through the night without shitting or pissing on the floor, no matter how many times he goes out beforehand.  Plus he's an asshole.   He has to get in the garbage, eat the bird shit off the floor, eat cat turds out of the litter box, drink out of the toilet, follow me out to the kitchen every time, thinking he's going to get fed again, steal food off the counter, run away if he's let out without his leash.  But after all, he's a dog, and that's pretty much how they are.  It's not his fault.  I really feel like I need to spend more time with him.  Take him for walks at the park etc.   I just feel so damn tired all the time.  Little wonder.  I haven't been taking care of myself lately.  I feel like the momentum of my life is moving in the wrong direction with such force that I can't seem to overcome it by sheer power of will.  Not the first time I've felt this way.   One of the things I pondered last night in my sleeplessness was how even a tiny change of momentum in your life can become a downhill landslide so quickly.   I spent much time contemplating  how illusory is autonomy of will.   Sometimes it seems I am just swept along like a twig on the shoulders of a mighty stream.